Out of the Darkness
by Anne T.M
Summary: How would Chakotay really react when he finds out that Seska was a A cardassian?


Kathryn quietly slipped into the dark mess hall. She found what she was looking for on the far side of the room. A solitary figure stood in the shadow by the view port. As she approached, she felt a strange compulsion to stand behind him and wrap her arms around his waist, as if a hug might cure his ills. Instead, she took a position a meter away in front of the same view port. "You have been quiet for weeks." She reached her hand across the space that divided them. "Do you want to talk?"

He remained as he was, just staring out into space. Finally, he reached out his hand and firmly clasped hers. He allowed her to lead him into the galley where he silently watched her prepare tea. They came out of the back room each holding a steaming cup in one hand while their other hands were firmly linked together. They threaded their way through the empty tables and chairs until they settled on the couch by the view port. The only sound in the room was the odd sounds of one of them drinking.

Kathryn watched the starlight dance across his troubled face. She saw the lines of sorrow that surrounded his eyes and mouth. As she gazed at him she thought of all the times his unending support had carried her through. He was the emotional anchor that held their crew together. She hoped that somehow tonight she could find a way to be the same for him. She pulled her legs up under her and settled into the side of the couch and waited. She inventoried his body and noted everything about him. His jaw was firmly set. The tension he felt was evident by the tautness of each of his muscles. The manner in which he sat on the couch indicated that he was ready to attack. She finally understood the nickname his Maquis buddies had given him, the Angry Warrior. If it were she that he was upset with right now, she would have been very frightened because he looked like he could kill someone with his bare hands. Seska had betrayed everyone on Voyager but Chakotay worst of all. Her First Officer was a very private man and Seska had cut him deeply and done so publicly. 

When he made no attempt to speak, Kathryn decided to prod him. "Chakotay, she deceived us all. We all accepted her as a member of the crew and she used each and every one of us to get what she wanted." Chakotay's only response was to hang his head a little lower. "I know you are blaming yourself right now for all the things she did but they were not your fault. SHE did them, not you. Just because she was originally a member of you crew doesn't mean that you are responsible for her actions!" She punctuated her last statement by putting her hand on his arm.

Chakotay bolted off the couch, effectively pushing her arm away in the process. He found himself standing in front of the view port once again. As he ran his hands through his short hair, yet again, he finally whispered, "It's not that."

Kathryn wanted to get closer but not so close as to anger him again. So she moved to the other side of the couch and sat in the spot that he vacated. "What is it then?"

He bowed his head and leaned it against the clear opening. "Captain, I can't tell you."

Kathryn folded her hands and rested her elbows on her knees. "Chakotay, I thought we were friends not just Captain and First Officer? You can tell me anything. God, knows I've told you enough!" She leaned out a little further but remained seated. "I want to help you. Talk to me, Kathryn, your friend." When he did not respond she tried one more time. "You cannot go on like this. It's not good for you or the ship…" then she quietly added, "and it's not good for me."

Her last words made him realize that his withdrawal was hurting her. That was the last thing he wanted to do, hurt the one honest woman in his life. He placed his palms against the view port and lifted his head. He took a deep breath and prepared himself to reveal his greatest shame. "I keep seeing her every time I close my eyes."

"The bad things in our life often haunt us but eventually the ghosts fade into the background until they finally disappear."

Once again he banged his head on the view port. "You don't understand." He was at his wits end. He had to talk to someone but he didn't know if it should be her. Chakotay forced himself to cross in front of her and sit down. He closed his eyes and looked inward for the strength to calm himself. It was a long time before he spoke again. "When I close my eyes I see," he took another calming breath, "I see her writhing under me or I see her impaling herself on me while I grab her breasts or I see her on her knees in front of me while I pound away at her in an attempt to soothe my fury." He hung his head in shame as he continued. "The rage I felt toward the Cardassians was momentarily elevated by my sexual release." He looked up at her expecting to find revulsion in her eyes, instead he found tears. "Ironic isn't it. The one thing that disgusted me more than anything in this world and I took it to my bed every chance I could."

Her heart broke for him. He was a man of such strong conviction. The revelation of Seska's true ancestry decimated him as completely as the Cardassians had decimated Dorvan Five. "Chakotay, I wish I knew what to say."

"There's nothing to say. It disgusts me beyond words. I have taken three showers a day since I found out. I have cleansed my mouth with liters of antiseptic. I replicated an old fashioned scrub brush and scoured my skin until it was raw and I still feel dirty. No matter what I do, I cannot cleanse myself. I cannot take back what I did or erase the humiliation I feel knowing what I did. I violated the memory of my people over and over again. For what? For love?" He laughed sardonically. "No," his voice filled with self loathing as he finished his thought, "for a quick f… roll in the hay."

Kathryn crossed the couch and settled on her knees next to him. "Chakotay, the situations you found yourself in when you were with the Maquis were horrendous. You were a man of peace caught in the vortex of war. Every mission was ripe with danger. You had to do things to survive that no one in their right mind would ever think you capable of. Every day you probably wondered if it was your day to die. No one could blame your for taking comfort where you could."

He looked at her with sad empty eyes. "Kathryn, I spilled my seed in her. I gave her the gift that my people value most, the potential gift of life." Suddenly his face turned ashen. "What if…"

She pulled herself up and wrapped her arms around him. She held his head against her chest and tried to comfort him. "She isn't!" The thought of Seska carrying his baby was almost enough to make her sick. "You were on contraceptive boosters and anyway the Doctor would have told us. The same scan that revealed her physiology would have revealed a pregnancy." He shook his head that remained cradled in her arms. His body shuddered as an image of a pregnant Seska passed through his mind. She held him tighter as his grief ripped through her. He affected her in ways that were almost unfathomable. She shared this pain he felt and it cut like a dull knife tearing through her heart. At one time this realization might have staggered her, but long ago she in the privacy of her soul she acknowledged his place in her life. From the moment she touched him, on that first day, she knew they would be connected forever. Although she consciously fought it everyday, she knew in the depths of her heart that one day she would be his. As she held him close she made the risky decision to do whatever she could to vanquish his demons. To make him forget. In that single moment in time she hated herself. The thought of what she would do to erase his memories and create new ones was both exciting and degrading at the same time. She detested herself for her weakness. 

She pulled away from him and took his hand. She stood up and tried to pull him with her. "Let's go." He gazed up at her and lifted a single eyebrow in question. "Do you trust me?" Without hesitation he answered yes. "Then come with me." Although he was unsure, he acquiesced and they left the mess hall together. 

"Where are we going?"

"To the holodeck."

"Captain…, Kathryn, I don't feel…"

"Shh, trust me." She tapped her comm badge before she gave the computer any instructions. "Tuvok, I am going to the holodeck for an extended period of time."

"As you wish Captain, but there is no need to inform me of what you do when you are not on duty."

"Tuvok, I am locking the doors using a voice authorization. I will be able to open it from the inside and if there is an emergency, you will be able to open it from the outside. Understood?"

"Understood, Captain. Tuvok, out."

"Computer, Load program Janeway Salvation, voice authorization Kathryn Janeway."

"Voice identification confirmed. Program loaded."

"Voice print match only! This must be some program."

"It is."

The doors opened and Chakotay looked at the bridge of his old ship. "It's The Liberty!" He moved into the room and walked around his former ship.

She watched as he ran his hand across each of the consoles. "Yes, it is."

Suddenly he stopped. "Why?"

She looked at the floor and smiled shyly. She remembered her chief engineers expression when she asked her to design this program. It was actually the place where their real working relationship started. They were both doing something for Chakotay. "I asked B'Elanna to help me create it. When you sacrificed your ship to save Voyager it was the most unselfish act I have ever witnessed. Your ship was Voyager's salvation. I knew I could never repay you for what you did. But I thought that you might want to go back and visit her from time to time," she stood with her hands on the back of what she thought was the command chair, "Captain Chakotay."

He crossed in front of her and sat down. He looked out at the star pattern that was set before him and felt a little easier. He lifted his right hand over his shoulder and took her tiny hand in his. In a voice that was just above a whispered he thanked her.

They remained as they were watching the stars until she finally asked for a tour of the ship. "You mean you programmed the entire ship, not just the bridge?"

"Yes, we did, and I intend to see every last nook and cranny."

They walked around the ship for an hour. He told her stories of many of the less gruesome adventures that he had had while captaining this ship. She laughed when he told her of the time that they were flying home from a mission and all the bathroom backed up. Because she was laughing she didn't notice that he had stopped. She turned around and saw that he had gone pale. She moved to him and placed her hand on his arm. "Chakotay, what is it?"

He stood silently in front of a closed door. "Those were Seska quarters."

"Where were you quarters?"

Without thinking he told her. She pulled him along in the right direction. "Come on. I have never been in the Captain's quarters on an enemy's ship!"

The door swished open and they both went in. "It's not much but it was home." He looked around. "You did a marvelous job. It looks exactly like my room including my things."

"You can thank B'Elanna. I've never been in your quarters, here or on Voyager. It's cozy."

"That's a polite way to say small."

"I like it. Mine is so big that it feels impersonal. This is much more intimate."

Suddenly the air in the room grew very hot. Chakotay looked at the bed and his visions returned. "We, should go!" His face was stricken as a sickening image appeared. "The memories are returning."

Kathryn rose from where she sat and stood in front of him. She raised her hand and started to unzip his jacket. "We're here to make new memories."

He grabbed her hand to stop her. "Kathryn, don't do thid! Don't sacrifice yourself for me."

She raised her other hand to his face. "Do you think sleeping with you would be a sacrifice?"

The softness of her petite hand caressed his cheek. "Under these conditions it might be?"

"And what conditions would they be? The fact that I am in a room all alone with an extremely attractive, sexy man?"

"No, I mean the pity your are feeling for me." 

Chakotay's hand slipped from hers and she continued to open his regulation uniform. "Oh, am I feeling something for you, Chakotay, but it sure isn't pity, it's desire."

His jacket was now on the floor and she was kissing his chest through his shirt. "Kathryn, I don't want you to do something you will regret tomorrow."

Her hands slipped under his shirt and roamed his hard chest. "There are many decisions I have made that I regret but this won't be one of them." She took her hands from him and pulled away. "But of course, if you don't want …"

Before she could finish the thought he had her crushed against him. He took her hand and guided it to his growing bulge. "I want to and I think this is proof enough." She was no innocent but the feel of him pressed against her made her light headed. He leaned down and looked deeply into her pale blue eyes. "I have made so many mistakes in my life, I just couldn't bare if this was one of them." 

His lips were there right in front of hers, ready for the taking. "It won't be."


End file.
